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Thread: Company Policy!!!

  1. #1
    Regular Member Colin S's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Insignia VxLine

    Trim : SRi Vx Line Nav ST

    Engine : 2.0 170BHP

    Year : 2015

    Default Company Policy!!!

    Dear employee:
    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future

    Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

    This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

    Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

    SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

    All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

    This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

    Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

    If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

    As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

    Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

    We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

    And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

    The Management

    Colin

  2. #2
    Admin plasma's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Vectra

    Trim : SRi

    Engine : 150

    Year : 05

    Mileage : 74000

    Default

    very good

  3. #3
    Forum Moderator soulman's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Vauxhall

    Trim : Astra Twin Top

    Engine : 1.9cdti

    Year : 07

    Default

    sounds about right .........................lol nice one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. #4
    Regular Member MysteryElite's Avatar
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    Why's this in Comedy & Humour? - I work for them!

  5. #5
    Ex Vec-C Admin & Founder GARY3306's Avatar
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    Have you never heard the term PLAGEURISM? Because I work for Northumberland County Council and that's their Mission Statement
    [SIGPIC]VX<font color=Red>R</font> with added Courtenay <img src=https://www.vectra-c.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.png border=0 alt= title=Big Grin class=inlineimg />

  6. #6
    Regular Member poves's Avatar
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    It is funny , but being out of work at the moment , and with the current climate it just hits home how 5h17 things are getting.

  7. #7
    Ex-Staff Full Member Ian T's Avatar
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    Sounds about right, very good

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