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Thread: Mrs D's top tips!!!!

  1. #1
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    Talking Mrs D's top tips!!!!

    DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
    > > tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
    > > another song you like and hum that instead.
    > >
    > > CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
    > > having a p*ss before the film starts.
    > >
    > > RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
    > > actually speaking clearly in the first place.
    > >
    > > DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
    > > identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
    > > with your old bank statements.
    > >
    > > WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
    > > red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
    > > remove the stains.
    > >
    > > SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
    > > tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
    > >
    > > MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
    > > to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
    > >
    > > BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
    > > sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set
    > > one of their dogs on you.
    > >
    > > EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half
    > > the CVs into the bin.
    > >
    > > MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
    > > the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will
    > > save your wife from having to do it.
    > >
    > > GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to
    > > yourself by Royal Mail.
    > >
    > > BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
    > > very small horse is approaching.
    > >
    > > BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
    > > not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
    > >
    > > ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
    > >
    > > DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
    > > horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
    > > and send them on their way.
    > >
    > > PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
    > > everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
    > > morning, simply move it all back again.
    > >
    > > CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
    > > valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
    > >
    > > DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
    > > simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
    > >
    > > MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
    > > driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the
    > > police will think you are listening to the sea.
    > >
    > > JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
    > > your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
    > disks.
    > >
    > > SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
    > >
    > > SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
    > > outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch
    > > and occasionally glancing inside.
    > >
    > > BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the
    > > egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60
    > > mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg outthe
    > pan.
    > >
    > > ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to
    > > the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
    > >
    > > McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
    > > blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car
    > windows.
    > >
    > > And the absolute belter for last
    > >
    > >
    > > WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a
    > > sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house
    > > after you've been banged.


  2. #2
    Regular Member beat275's Avatar
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    love it

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs D View Post
    > >
    > > MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
    > > to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.


  4. #4
    Regular Member Ziggy's Avatar
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  5. #5
    Regular Member Critch's Avatar
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    Quality

  6. #6
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    Lmao brilliant

  7. #7
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    not bad just under 7 years old!!!

  8. #8
    Regular Member nicj's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by northern lad View Post
    not bad just under 7 years old!!!
    Holy moly is it really? Can't see the date from my phone

  9. #9
    Regular Member beat275's Avatar
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    i know its old working my way from the start there are some hilarious 1s in there

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by nicj View Post
    Holy moly is it really? Can't see the date from my phone
    yup august '05

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