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Mrs D's top tips!!!!
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
> > tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
> > another song you like and hum that instead.
> >
> > CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
> > having a p*ss before the film starts.
> >
> > RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
> > actually speaking clearly in the first place.
> >
> > DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
> > identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
> > with your old bank statements.
> >
> > WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
> > red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
> > remove the stains.
> >
> > SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
> > tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
> >
> > MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
> > to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
> >
> > BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
> > sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set
> > one of their dogs on you.
> >
> > EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half
> > the CVs into the bin.
> >
> > MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
> > the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will
> > save your wife from having to do it.
> >
> > GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to
> > yourself by Royal Mail.
> >
> > BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
> > very small horse is approaching.
> >
> > BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
> > not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
> >
> > ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
> >
> > DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
> > horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
> > and send them on their way.
> >
> > PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
> > everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
> > morning, simply move it all back again.
> >
> > CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
> > valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
> >
> > DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
> > simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
> >
> > MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
> > driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the
> > police will think you are listening to the sea.
> >
> > JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
> > your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
> disks.
> >
> > SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
> >
> > SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
> > outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch
> > and occasionally glancing inside.
> >
> > BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the
> > egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60
> > mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg outthe
> pan.
> >
> > ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to
> > the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
> >
> > McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
> > blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car
> windows.
> >
> > And the absolute belter for last
> >
> >
> > WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a
> > sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house
> > after you've been banged.
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Originally Posted by Mrs D
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