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Thread: haynes car manual

  1. #1
    Full Member neverlandandy's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Insignia Elite Nav

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 2.0 cdti

    Year : 2012

    Mileage : 9k

    Default haynes car manual

    TRANSLATING THE HAYNES MOTOR MAINTENANCE MANUALS

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Prise off...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

    Haynes: Lightly slacken...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating.
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
    Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: As pictured in figure...
    Translation: Do you see that grey bit next to the other grey bit in the picture? Excellent, but your car will look completely different.


    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

    Stolen from another forum

  2. #2
    Regular Member John C S's Avatar
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    Very Funny

  3. #3
    Regular Member ade0303's Avatar
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    I like that

  4. #4
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    PMSL, excellent. Sat here LOL.

  5. #5
    Regular Member baz_rochdale's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Signum

    Trim : Design

    Engine : 1.9Cdti

    Year : 2004

    Mileage : 118000

    Default

    That is quality! cheered me right up reading that, as i've just put down my haynes manual looking at the next job in hand!

    Cheers!!

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by neverlandandy View Post

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...
    So true...

  7. #7
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    brilliant

  8. #8
    Regular Member dv8's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Veccy C

    Trim : SRI

    Engine : CDTi


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    True...So true.

  9. #9
    Ex Vec-C Admin Deztroyer's Avatar
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    superb

    and heres some more....
    Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
    Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
    Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

    Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
    Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

    Haynes: See illustration for details
    Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

    Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
    Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

    Haynes: Top up fluids.
    Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

    For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?

    The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!



    THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
    All makes and models post-2000

    For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

    Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

    Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).



    HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

    BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

    PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.



    Email from a reader:


    The latest Haynes book is a how-to guide to caring for babies. Both need plenty of loving care and regular checks, have a habit of playing up at the worst possible moments, and produce toxic emissions. The similarities between cars and babies are clear. Knowing the "accuracy" of Haynes manuals there are likely to be a few screwed-up kids in a few years time. An example is when I had to replace the switch cluster for the indicators, lights etc on the Escort.

    According to the Haynes manual:

    1 Disconnect battery leads and leave for half an hour
    2 Remove top and bottom steering column cowling
    3 Remove the two retaining bolts for the air bag behind the steering wheel (pig of a job)
    4 Short out the airbag capacitor and disconnect the connector
    5 Withdraw the airbag assembly (may require some firm handling - i.e. it's like wrestling with a pig)
    6 Undo the steering wheel retaining nut and withdraw the steering wheel
    7 Disconnect the lighting yoke connectors
    8 Remove the switch yoke retaining screw
    9 Withdraw the lighting yoke.

    Reassembly is the reverse of the above steps.

    After ****ing about with the above. I realised that all that is actually required is to remove the top cowling, take off the connectors, undo the top screw and pull it out. I worry for new fathers.

    CONCISE GUISE TO THE HAYNES MAN MANUAL

    Haynes, which has produced detailed guides on how to maintain almost every kind of car, launched a new manual : Man, 120,000BC to Present Day, all models, shapes, sizes and colours. It includes chapters such as Roadside Repairs (first aid), the Engine (heart and lungs

    No, it wasn't a joke. It's a way to get men to look after their bodies as well as they look after their cars. It can be bought in Halfords and other car spares shops alongside the Haynes car manuals. No doubt women will buy copies for their menfolk as "novelty" presents - but it's a novelty present with a serious message.

    It's the result of a collaboration between Haynes and Men's Health Forum and sponsored by drug group Lilly ICOS. Dr Ian Banks said "We've struggled for years to create health information that men can really relate to and I think we've cracked it - when I was approached with the idea it just seemed so obvious I couldn't understand why it hadn't been thought of before."

    Based on the "Real Meanings" above, we can expect to see:

    Haynes Man Manual: Moderate exercise will keep your cardiovascular system ticking over.
    Translation: The daily walk to the pub may help your heart and lungs, but may increase wear and tear on your liver.

    Haynes Man Manual: Eat at least one portion from each of the major food groups daily.
    Translation: Beer is not one of the major food groups.

    Haynes Man Manual: Drink plenty of fluids to keep kidneys flushed. 8 medium glasses of water-based drink are recommended.
    Translation: 8 bottles of Bud Ice is not a substitute for water, despite tasting the same.

    Haynes Man Manual: Increase fibre content of diet over a period of weeks to allow your digestive system to adjust.
    Translation: Sudden switch over from low fibre fuel to high fibre fuel will cause emission problems.

    Haynes Man Manual: Remove gland, tie off blood vessels, clean and refit, reattaching blood vessels using micro-sutures.
    Translation: A drunken bet involving a hobby knife, croc clips and a high pain threshold are no substitute for a trained anaesthetist and qualified surgeon you nut!

    Haynes Man Manual: Rating: Five scalpels (expert)
    Translation: Having every episode of "Casualty" or "ER" on DVD does not make you an expert.

    Haynes Man Manual: Open synovial sheath, bleed synovial fluid, carefully dis-articulate joint, scrape cartilage overgrowth from ball section, vacuuming up debris to prevent friction damage to articulating surfaces. Re-seat all parts, with special attention to the patella, and re-articulate joint. Close synovial sheath and top up synovial fluid level.
    Translation: Don't even think about it unless you are qualified to perform keyhole surgery on knee joints ....
    Last edited by Deztroyer; 14th October 2009 at 10:47.

    0-Large smile ......every time it's driven

  10. #10
    Regular Member John C S's Avatar
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