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Thread: A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA

  1. #1
    Regular Member CPHB's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Opel Vectra

    Trim : OPC-lina

    Engine : 2,0 T

    Year : 2007

    Default A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
    govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
    over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas,
    which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress will be
    disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
    whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
    "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You
    will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
    "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
    skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
    suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
    to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary.")

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
    such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
    of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
    adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the
    elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
    God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
    should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
    you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
    you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are **** and this is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
    we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
    will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling "gasoline") -- roughly $6/U.S. gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
    fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
    chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
    animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
    actually beer, at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will be
    referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
    provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
    referred to as near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
    without risk of further confusion.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
    play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
    having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
    of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
    will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
    American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
    twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
    nancies.)

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    host an event called the World Series for a game not played outside of
    America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    your borders, your error is understandable.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (ie. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    moneys due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups,
    never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
    strawberries in season.

    Thank you for your co-operation John Cleese.

  2. #2
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Mr Cleese forgot to say that all American chocolate bars will be disposed of (as they taste like sh*t - have you ever tried a Hershey bar?!!! ) and replaced with proper chocolate!

  3. #3
    Regular Member ion's Avatar
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    Nice one lol.


    Mmmm I think I saw the word doughnut in there.

  4. #4
    Regular Member The Doc's Avatar
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    Hope it had jam in!!! LOL!

    Excellent, John Cleese is a superb actor and comedian. Never grow tired of Fawlty Towers and Monty Python!

  5. #5
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    Spot on!! love it!!

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