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the taser gun
> Subject: FW: Taser
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> I dare you to not laugh !!!!!
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> Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
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> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
>
> purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
> submitted
> this:
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> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
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> sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
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> looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
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> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
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> effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
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> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
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> to safety....??
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> WAY TOO COOL!
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> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
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> loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
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> Nothing! I was disappointed.
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> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
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> against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
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> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
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> AWESOME!!!
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> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
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> is on the face of her microwave.
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> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
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> that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
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> right?
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> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
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> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
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> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
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> target.
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> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
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> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
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> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
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> herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
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> as advertised.
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> Am I wrong?
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> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
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> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
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> hand, and taser in another.
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> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
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> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
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> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
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> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
> out
> of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
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> batteries.
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> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
> 5'
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
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> (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
> 'no
> possible way!'
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>
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> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
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> best...?
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> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
> to
> one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second
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> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
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> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
> I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
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> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE
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> HELL!!!
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> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
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> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
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> over and over and over again.
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> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
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> tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
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> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
> oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs?
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> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
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> clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
> an
> attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> living
> room.
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> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
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> one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
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> you zap yourself!
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>
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> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
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> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
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> would be considered conservative?
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> SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
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> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
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> thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
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> up and surveyed the landscape.
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> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
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> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> originally
> was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
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> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> bottom
> lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
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> Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
> my
> sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
> I
> believe came from my hair.
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> I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
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> reward for their safe return!!
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>
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>
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> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
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> it!
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>
>
> 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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