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Thread: the taser gun

  1. #1
    Regular Member simon1's Avatar
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    Default the taser gun

    > Subject: FW: Taser
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    > I dare you to not laugh !!!!!
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    > Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
    >
    > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
    >
    > purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
    > submitted
    > this:
    >
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    >
    > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    >
    > sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    >
    > looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
    >
    >
    >
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    >
    > What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
    >
    > effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
    >
    > adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
    >
    > to safety....??
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    >
    > WAY TOO COOL!
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    > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
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    > loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
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    > Nothing! I was disappointed.
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    >
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    > I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
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    > against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
    >
    > electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
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    >
    > AWESOME!!!
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    >
    >
    > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
    >
    > is on the face of her microwave.
    >
    >
    >
    > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
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    > that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
    >
    > right?
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    >
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    > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
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    > (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    >
    > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    >
    > target.
    >
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    > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    >
    > second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
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    > But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
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    > herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
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    > as advertised.
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    > Am I wrong?
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    > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
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    > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
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    > hand, and taser in another.
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    > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
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    > disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
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    > muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
    >
    > would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
    > out
    > of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
    >
    > batteries.
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    > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
    > 5'
    > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    >
    > (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
    > 'no
    > possible way!'
    >
    >
    >
    > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    >
    > best...?
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    > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
    > to
    > one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second
    >
    > burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
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    > I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    > I
    > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
    >
    > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE
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    > HELL!!!
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    > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
    >
    > picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
    >
    > over and over and over again.
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    >
    >
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    >
    > I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
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    > tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    >
    > nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
    > oddest
    > position, and tingling in my legs?
    >
    >
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    > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
    >
    > clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
    > an
    > attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    > living
    > room.
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    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
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    > one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
    >
    > you zap yourself!
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    > You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    >
    > hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
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    > would be considered conservative?
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    > SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
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    >
    > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
    >
    > thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
    >
    > up and surveyed the landscape.
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    > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
    >
    > recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
    > originally
    > was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    >
    >
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    > My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    > bottom
    > lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    > Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
    > my
    > sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
    > I
    > believe came from my hair.
    >
    >
    >
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    > I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
    >
    > reward for their safe return!!
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    > P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
    >
    > it!
    >
    >
    >
    > 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

  2. #2
    Regular Member JSYSH466Y's Avatar
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    Default


  3. #3
    Regular Member big rich's Avatar
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    Default

    lol

  4. #4
    Regular Member Flaninacupboard's Avatar
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    Default

    What a massive over exaggeration. they do not hurt that much, and you can definitely let go when zapping yourself...

  5. #5
    Regular Member gromit's Avatar
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    The tears are running down my face reading that. I saw a training video with a tazzer being used on a massive bull and it floored it no problem andthe bull looked well p!ssed off so stuff trying it on yourself.

  6. #6
    Regular Member Flaninacupboard's Avatar
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    The ones with shooting barbs are nasty, but the surface contact ones are not that bad. shocked myself and my friends many times back in the day.

  7. #7
    Regular Member ade0303's Avatar
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    I can barely see to type

  8. #8
    Regular Member Happy Girl's Avatar
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    Made me laugh

  9. #9
    Regular Member hibbsy18's Avatar
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    thats great i was pmsl

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  1. taser
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