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Thread: Message to the USA from Her Majesty the Queen

  1. #1
    Ex-Staff Full Member Taffyopel's Avatar
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    Default Message to the USA from Her Majesty the Queen

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidatesfor President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give noticeof the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchicalduties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas ,which she does not fancy).
    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effectYou should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out withou tsuing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    12. You will cease playing American football There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season


    God Save the Queen!


    Snowman, you got your ears on?

  2. #2
    Full Member merikiito's Avatar
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    If only.........
    Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
    Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?

  3. #3
    Administrator Big-Pete's Avatar
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    Like it... !!

  4. #4
    Full Member bobssignum's Avatar
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    Sent this to a freind in america a little while ago . He did not see the funny side at all , septic,s get very paranoid when you take the proverbial out of them .

  5. #5
    Regular Member boba's Avatar
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    Default

    Funny!

    But would you really want that awful countryful of paranoid egomaniacs to have any more to do with us than they do at present?

  6. #6
    Regular Member macdad's Avatar
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    Default

    And when you meet someone from England on there holiday(not vacation) this will be banned,do not assume that they reside in London..it's a city within a country and NOT a country in it's own right....oh and lastly D'ont ask me if i know the queen cus i'm English.

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    Regular Member Ste's Avatar
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    I have tea with her regularly, obviously.

  8. #8
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    There is a Facebook thread about that...

    It's full of numptey Yanks who took it seriously!

  9. #9
    Ex-Staff Full Member Taffyopel's Avatar
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    Suprise, suprise.


    Snowman, you got your ears on?

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