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This Is Some Kind Of Chilli Contest
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a
chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli
wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all
the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put
the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. Im not
sure what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. Ive located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the
routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. Im getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady
is starting to look HOT! just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off.
It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Stuff those rednecks!
Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally.
She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need
to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge # 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chilli?
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