The quotations below are (so we are told) taken directly from letters sent to various councils and housing associations:
"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall."
"Will you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
"Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
"Our lavatory is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water. It's a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?"
“The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?”
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2."