Toyed with posting this in C&H, but I think even though it's funny it actually carries quite an important message about the stupid mistakes people make and think they're helping us....
- Don't greet us with the word's "You'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your place and say "You'll need a calculator"? No?...then off!
- If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself or your house visible. Turn on an outside light. Get someone to stand outside and wave us down (see next point). Give the operator an idea of landmarks. Saying "I'm in Stoke" does NOT help.
- If you are aforementioned waving gimp - a simple sticking out of the hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic or a windmill will NOT expedite our arrival. In fact, we may just drive past for the hell of it
- If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as hell get yourself downstairs again.
- Tummy ache does NOT affect the motor function of your legs, and you CAN still walk.
- If I came and sat in your house, pi$$ed on the floor, threw up on myself then fell asleep hanging over a chair you may be put out. So don't do it in my ambulance
- Don't even THINK about hitting me. I can kill you and leave no trace. And my friends in the police will make sure you get nicked. And hurt.
- Unless there's a very good reason, you will go to whichever A&E I choose. Very good reasons include:
- [a]It's a skive
[b]It's a nice drive out
[c]It's around lunchtime and the canteen is good
[d]The nurses are cute
[e]I'm a vindictive
- Pensioners pay attention. If you have chest pain, DON'T wait until the next morning to call because you "didn't want to be a bother". That's what we're here for.
- If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not stupid.
- If you've taken drugs, own up. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant in the corner The majority of us have experiences some 'unofficial' medication in the past, we know when we're being lied to.
- Girls: If your mate is lying in the street/club toilet/bedroom floor vomiting after downing 15 Sambucas, don't try to tell us her drink has been spiked. Your mate by now looks like something the Japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used to sedate an elephant to bring her down, and nobody would want to her.
- If your first words when we arrive are "You took your time" they may also be your last
- Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take us a little longer to get to you. We drive big vans not the Starship Enterprise
- If you're a scrote, and you're cold and want a free sandwich and cup of tea at A&E....tell me. Don't lie and say you've got chest pain.
- Any ambulance worker can spot a fake fit from a mile off. Just don't bother. It makes you look a t1t.
- We do care but the job does get to us sometimes. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad temper with a pinch of salt. Especially when you call us 5 minutes before the end of our shift.