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Thread: awesome funny true police email

  1. #1
    Regular Member wingers1982's Avatar
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    Default awesome funny true police email

    its worth the read this is soooooo funny had me and my missus laughing all the way through.

    True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written.....

    Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public

    Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith
    police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
    idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to
    pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke
    signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
    (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just
    off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play
    a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the
    force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
    throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week
    and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it
    will end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
    Several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
    thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
    saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear
    that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the
    bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.
    If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
    Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
    assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
    with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
    night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
    panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
    will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
    actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these
    throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
    head start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain sir, your obedient servant

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Mr ??????,

    I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
    problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
    encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
    (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.


    PC ???
    Community Beat Officer


    Dear PC ?????

    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
    original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
    Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to
    Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own
    community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your
    covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell
    Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone
    deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with
    the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like
    a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
    headhunted by MI5.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
    place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without
    due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
    (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts
    that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
    The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting
    distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
    to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
    answer,I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.


    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
    don't work for the cleansing department

  2. #2
    Regular Member Ian S100's Avatar
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    Pretty sure this has been posted a few times before

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