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Thread: The taxman replies!

  1. #1
    Regular Member bruceybonus's Avatar
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    Default The taxman replies!

    Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

    Dear Mr Addison,
    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and ****ant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

    Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking faįade of a university system."

    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
    1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
    2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

    Please forward it by Friday.

    Yours Sincerely,
    H J Lee
    Customer Relations

  2. #2
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Absolute classic!! FPSML!!!

    After the NTL letter post, it just shows you it works both ways as well!

    D

  3. #3
    Regular Member bruceybonus's Avatar
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    Wish i could have found the one that was sent to the IR!

  4. #4
    Regular Member Caterman's Avatar
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    Classic

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    Regular Member Ian's Avatar
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    superb I love these letters!

    especially when they are a reply from someone with a sense of humour!

  6. #6
    Regular Member ion's Avatar
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    Brilliant

  7. #7
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    class

  8. #8
    Regular Member MLC's Avatar
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    Fantastic. Just shows what a human instead of a computer can can up with

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