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Thread: Complaint of the year!

  1. #1
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    Default Complaint of the year!

    Now this my friends, is how to write a letter of complaint!
    (sorry if it's been posted before)
    -------------------------


    Dear Cretins,
    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
    your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
    not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
    of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
    so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
    rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
    have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
    day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
    spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your
    technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
    minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
    annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
    website....HOW?
    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
    - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
    although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
    such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
    had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
    arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
    between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
    still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
    mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
    variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
    skilled b0ll0ck jugglers.
    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
    whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
    that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
    answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
    transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
    Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
    thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
    those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
    care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
    in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
    therefore, if I continue.
    I thought BT were shlt, that they had attained the holy pizz-pot of godawful
    customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
    disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
    their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
    anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
    to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
    shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
    distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
    British Telecom - w@nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
    of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
    inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
    foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
    you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
    the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
    deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
    disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
    rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
    cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
    both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
    become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
    time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
    not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
    the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
    employees.
    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
    irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw@ts.
    John

  2. #2
    Regular Member ion's Avatar
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    Default

    Excellent

  3. #3
    Regular Member Robward27's Avatar
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    Default

    Now thats a letter!!!!!

  4. #4
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Default

    Seen that elsewhere - but still very funny. AFAIK it is a genuine letter sent in - unless anyone knows otherwise?

    D

  5. #5
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Default

    I take it nobody at NTL had the intelligence to reply along the lines of this classic Inland Revenue reply?

    D

  6. #6
    Regular Member Caterman's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Signum

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 3.2 V6

    Year : 05

    Default

    Brilliant

  7. #7
    Regular Member Ian's Avatar
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    just cancelled my account with NTL for customer relations just like those described!!

  8. #8
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    Vehicle : Vectra

    Trim : Edition 100

    Engine : 2.0T

    Year : 04

    Default

    lmao, thats gonna get used when that happens to me.

    Cheech

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