User Tag List

Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: Tools in Mark GSi's workshops and their uses

  1. #1
    Admin plasma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    On the Forum
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    138 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    138 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Tools in Mark GSi's workshops and their uses

    All About Tools

    1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "****!!!"

    3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

    5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

    11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

    12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

    14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

    16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

    20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.

    21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

    23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

    So there you have it: a complete description of the tools all men need, and occasionally use correctly

    I pinched this form vectra-sport so all credit goes to them for finding this.

  2. #2
    Regular Member Pecojess's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Aberdeenshire
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default


  3. #3
    On a Sabbatical
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    member of the smoke patrol 230bhp+
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Pmsfl

  4. #4
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    East Sussex
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Kwality!! And I know that a good few of those apply to you!!!

  5. #5
    spoons
    Guest

    Default

    Excellent !!

  6. #6
    Admin plasma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    On the Forum
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    138 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    138 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    No.2 caught me out in the workshops...

  7. #7
    Regular Member tonypc1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    on the long road to ruin
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    very funny, especially the hammer one.

  8. #8
    Ex RO - East Region soulman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    VOTING UKIP IN AVELEY
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    .......very good Dean..........i,m guessing youv experienced all of above .lol

  9. #9
    Ex Vec-C Admin ed taylor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Looking Through a Camera Lens.
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Very good Dean.

  10. #10
    Regular Member Caterman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Here, there and every where!
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    StatsVehicle Info
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default



    So true

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Plasma's FMIC fitment at the GSi Workshops
    By plasma in forum Diesel Engine related
    Replies: 64
    Last Post: 26th June 2012, 21:06
  2. Vectra Mark 1 or Mark 2
    By -Con0r- in forum Vectra C / Signum Car Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 13th October 2009, 10:52
  3. One of the GSI's...
    By R-man in forum Spotted or put a flyer on a Vectra C/Signum?
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 24th July 2007, 19:26

Visitors found this page by searching for:

Nobody landed on this page from a search engine, yet!

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •