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Thread: Scottish jokes

  1. #1
    Regular Member Colin S's Avatar
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    Default Scottish jokes

    Hi to all,these are some Scottish jokes that i was given to me by my cousin Karen (a VW driver)from Stevenston,Ayrshire when i was up in GOD'S country visiting my family.It may be hard for the non Scots on the forum to understand some of the terminology(slang) used but give it a try.
    P.S No offence is intended to anyone,it's only some fun.

    Here Goes!!!!

    A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come
    and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
    "Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
    And the girl says: "From the top of my head right down to my
    knickers."

    A Glasgow
    woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
    "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
    "Govan," she replies.

    What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow
    call their autobiography?
    Oor Wullie.

    Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.

    A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set
    of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
    "That's affa dear," says the guy.

    Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
    He's awa' noo.

    Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq
    ? Coo eight.

    Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
    The dark tan yin.

    A Scotsman in London
    is having trouble phoning his sister from a
    telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in aplummy voice:
    "Is there money in the box?"
    "Naw, it's just me," he replies.

    While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
    "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he
    says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

    What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.

    What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A
    skean dhu.

    How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just
    Juan.

    A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that
    there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the
    label - it says Taiwan
    ."

    What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
    sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my
    cloud." And an
    Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of
    ma ewe."

    What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly
    b*****d.

    Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue
    for the toilets at Waverley
    Station? It's called The Aw' Needin'
    Line.

    What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
    accident?
    The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

    Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? Because the chef was Low
    Ping
    .

    While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
    "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off
    at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you
    couldn't get the fare?"
    "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

    A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street

    when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's
    up, Jimmy?"
    he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."



    Colin

  2. #2
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Default

    lol, when I saw the title I was expecting some sort of 'take the pee out of the Scots type of thing' and thinking you were a brave man considering both Admin are Scots! lol

    But reading them through just made me laugh - and as you say I think a lot of them will go straight over some people's heads - or heeds I should say!

  3. #3
    Ex Vec-C Admin & Founder GARY3306's Avatar
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    Default

    The glasgow woman at the dentist is brill
    [SIGPIC]VX<font color=Red>R</font> with added Courtenay <img src=https://www.vectra-c.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.png border=0 alt= title=Big Grin class=inlineimg />

  4. #4
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Default

    lol, yeah - that was one of my faves.

  5. #5
    Regular Member ditchp's Avatar
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    Default

    got most of them, just had to read them in a poor scottish accent........
    Midlands Mod Shop - NFFC.

  6. #6
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    Default

    lol, yep - that'll help for all you Southerners!

  7. #7
    Regular Member mark1319's Avatar
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    Default

    Quality stuff

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