Hi to all,these are some Scottish jokes that i was given to me by my cousin Karen (a VW driver)from Stevenston,Ayrshire when i was up in GOD'S country visiting my family.It may be hard for the non Scots on the forum to understand some of the terminology(slang) used but give it a try.
P.S No offence is intended to anyone,it's only some fun.
A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come
and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
And the girl says: "From the top of my head right down to my
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set
of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a
telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in aplummy voice:
"Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
"Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he
says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that
there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the
label - it says Taiwan."
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my
cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue
for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin'
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? Because the chef was Low
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off
at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you
couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's
he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."