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Thread: only in the US

  1. #1
    Regular Member John35's Avatar
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    Default only in the US

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
    The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

    WAY TOO COOL!
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
    AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
    that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
    would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
    measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
    myself, "no possible way!"??
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
    in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
    SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

  2. #2
    Regular Member Cymrogwyllt's Avatar
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    Default

    leeched. ta


    nice one

  3. #3
    Regular Member Flaninacupboard's Avatar
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    Default

    They don't hurt that much, more the suprise and fear that is effecctive.

  4. #4
    Regular Member BlueRob's Avatar
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    Default


    Oh! John....you made my laugh so hard...really I have watery eyes and my stomach hurts so bad....that`s the funniest writeup I have ever read!. Seriously.

  5. #5
    VIP-Member Johnsdutton's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Signum

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 3.2 v6

    Year : 2004

    Mileage : 110,000

    Default

    OH MY RIBS
    3.2 v6 Signum and loving it

    http://www.freewebs.com/johnsdutton/

  6. #6
    Regular Member ditchp's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Vectra cdti estate

    Trim : Get a

    Engine : Dirty diesel

    Year : 2006

    Default

    fpmsl
    Midlands Mod Shop - NFFC.

  7. #7
    Regular Member lofty's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Vectra C Estate

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 1.9 CDTi


    Default

    "do it again, do it again!"

  8. #8
    Regular Member wanna veccy's Avatar
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    Default

    im surprised u cant find ya balls cus they must be massive to try something so silly

  9. #9
    Regular Member TKD Colin's Avatar
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    Default

    PMSL


    I WANNA GO, I WANNA GO, WHERE CAN I GET ONE.

  10. #10
    Regular Member lofty's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Vectra C Estate

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 1.9 CDTi


    Default

    made my laugh the 2nd time around

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