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Thread: The "Real" 2012 London Olympics.

  1. #1
    Regular Member BigMan's Avatar
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    Default The "Real" 2012 London Olympics.

    London Olympics 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
    area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
    will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof
    of the stadium.


    THE EVENTS

    In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been
    particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
    events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT
    Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
    each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be
    released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

    110 METRES HURDLES
    As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
    fences, walls etc)

    HAMMER
    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
    (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
    physical damage within three timed attempts.

    FENCING
    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
    5 minutes.

    SHOOTING
    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
    target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
    will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style
    Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in
    this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

    BOXING
    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
    will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
    lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
    home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS
    Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
    take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT
    As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
    Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON
    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,
    arson and generally hanging around.

    SWIMMING EVENTS
    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
    is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized.
    Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
    comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
    pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
    "The Verve".

    THE MARATHON
    A safe route has yet to be decided.

    MEN'S 50KM WALK
    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
    guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London ,
    especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY
    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
    Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
    rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So
    Solid Crew.

    The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the
    inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham footie fans.

    The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local
    athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central
    heating boiler

  2. #2
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    Default

    Yep, sounds like London!!

    I can say that as i'm not from there

  3. #3
    On a Sabbatical VauxVeteran's Avatar
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    Default

    Nice one Ben.

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