We're currently planning SWMBO's 50th birthday party, which we've decided to do as a murder mystery. We've got various scenarios in mind, but it's the character names that I like. For Instance:
• Blast McGrouse - Game Keeper.
In well worn deer stalker hat and scruffy tweed jacket, Blast McGrouse is lucky never to have been shot himself, he blends so well into the heather.
• Misty Harr - Ferry Director.
As director of the ferry company that runs to and from the Far Outer Hebrides, Miss Misty Harr always wears a smart business suit.
• Ben Nevis - A key member of the mountain rescue team.
In thermals and waterproof gear, Ben Nevis is never without his crampons, walking stick and faithful rope.
• Iona Fiddle - Tour boat operator.
With binoculars, baseball cap and “Loch Mess Monster Tours” emblazoned across her clothing, Iona Fiddle would be easy to pick out in a crowd.
• Mac Theknife - Jazz artist.
With or without his saxophone, Mac Theknife is the cool cat of Jazz, dressing totally in black.
• Paula Nother - Barmaid.
With a short skirt, high heels, fishnet tights and a low cut top to show off all her assets, Paula works hard to please all her regular punters.
• Duncan McDonut - Policeman.
In or bursting out of his uniform, Duncan likes doing stake outs the best, especially if he’s managed to stop off at the bakers on the way.
• Kate Nessglass - Local gift shop owner.
In ethnic clothing and smelling of incense, Kate is a little like the gifts she sells in her shop: interesting, but quite useless.
• Ian McSlurry - Sewerage worker.
As number one in the number two business Ian McSlurry is never far from his oilskins and trusty wrenches.
• Eileen Donner - Owner of the local Kebab shop.
With apron and fish slice ever to hand, Eileen is always ready to make really fast food.
• Father Twitcher - The priest of the Roman Catholic Church Treddlethorpe All Sinners.
A keen birdwatcher, Father Twitcher always comes with a pair of binoculars as well as a dog collar.
• Jenny Wren - Newest member of the congregation.
Jenny has only recently joined Treddlethorpe All Sinners and is somewhat a mystery but despite dressing quite plainly to suit her shy nature she is a bit of a looker!
• Eve Stropper - The live in Irish housekeeper of Father Twitcher.
With cloth hat and apron, Eve is a force to be reckoned with, "Will you have a cup of tea? Go on, go on, go on..."
• Arthur Jobdone - Caretaker and handyman
With a tool belt and pockets full of interesting "might come in handy"s Arthur is a somewhat grubby fix-it man.
• Richard Branston - Church treasurer.
Always in suit and tie, Richard is a bit of flashy businessman.
• Teena Biscuit - The church member with responsibility tea and coffee after the service.
Warm, cuddly and comfortable, Teena is always available as a shoulder to cry on.
• Iona Tank - One of the older church members.
Partially sighted and hard of hearing, Iona drives a Smart car, but for some reason parking only gets harder these days!
• Ivan Anorak - Church secretary and avid train spotter.
With pen and paper to hand Ivan is always available to take minutes, devise a rota, or sort out room bookings. With his trusty thermos and wet weather gear he is prepared for any conditions.
• Jean Sprout - Sporty church member.
Vegetarian, sporty and good for the environment, Jean is into keep fit in a big way. She cycles or jogs everywhere.
• Justin Time - Church deacon and keen drummer.
Young at heart and always late, Justin never has time to make much of his appearance, and is never, never, seen without his trusty drumsticks.
• Sigmund Froid - The Cold Austrian Psychoanalyst
With clipped beard, glasses, cigar and smart suit, Sigmund has a wonderfully calm bedside manner, even if he is obsessed about your dreams and sex life.
• Heidi Evidence - Swiss Bank Clerk
A wonderfully beguiling lady with pigtails, freckles and innocent expression. She is often seen in either her smart banking suit, or her Swiss national dress.
• Ivan Ego - Russian Inventor
Pessimistic and pragmatic to the last, Ivan is reliable and built to last, even if he does run on vodka.
• Dee Sypher - Code Breaker
Secretive and quiet, Dee is a real cloak and dagger sort of a girl in dark glasses and trench coat.
• Herr Cutt - German Barber
Never without his trusty pair of scissors, Herr Cutt is round but well turned out with a pencil moustache and slicked hair.
• Kiki De’Leggs - French Cancan Dancer
Always dressed to show off her fabulous legs Kiki is always Ra-Ra-ready for anything.
• Ed Lines - New York Times Reporter
In scruffy jacket and trousers Ed is always at the front of any action with his notebook and pen to the ready.
• Lida Hosen - Lingerie Shop Owner
Despite being an underwear retailer Lida is always very conservatively dressed. She never wears her products, but always has a case of examples to hand.
• Jean Paul Gauteebeard - French Fashion Designer
With weird taste in clothing and gauche apparel, Jean Paul Gauteebeard is at the height of fashion – at least he thinks he is.
• Maria Vontrapped - Singer
Laden down with warm woollen mittens and brown paper packages tied up with string, Maria is a bit of a shopaholic and her favourite things take up a great deal of space
• Hercule Pernod - Private detective
Unlike his Agatha Christie counterpart, Belgian private detective Hercule Pernod’s grey cells take more abuse from cracking cases of wine, than from cracking criminal cases. Even so, he does quite well for himself. He has a large apartment, and a large waistline. - Phil
• Miss Lemming - Pernod's secretary
Miss Lemming is Hercule Pernod’s scatty secretary. She is efficient at her job, but doesn’t really keep up with current affairs. Janet
• Mother Inferior - Nun
Mother Inferior is a model nun and is somewhat out of place at the party. She enjoys art work, but prefers frescos to modern art and isn’t too impressed by Ronnie MacIntosh’s artistic ability. Liz
• Captain Pastings - Retired Captain and sports car fanatic
Captain Pastings is a decent sort of a chap, bursting with the energy and the inexperience of youth. After returning from serving in the forces in India he made his money in wallpaper manufacture. Boh
• Ameila Fairfart - Solo hot air balloonist
Solo female hot air ballooning expert Amelia Fairfart is lively and flamboyant, more than a match for any man at the party, though she has a soft spot for Captain Pastings. Elaine
• Ernest Shingleton - Famous Explorer
Ernest Shingleton is a famous explorer. He is strong, dashing and brilliant and what’s more, he is head over heels in love with Laura Ghastly. trevor
• Laura Ghastly - Fashion and Interior designer
Laura Ghastly is a fashion and interior designer, though sometimes one wonders if she gets the curtain fabric muddled up with the clothing. Rosemary
• Marc D'Triumph - French Ambassador
Marc D’Triumph is the flamboyant French Ambassador. Pete
• Vera Sin - High Society Club Hostess
Vera Sin runs the high society club “Bottoms Up”. She is an excellent hostess, attractive, smoothly spoken, good with names, and able to put people at their ease. Chris
• Otto Von Blockwurst - German Ambassador
Otto Von Blockwurst is a sausage guzzling German Ambassador who has an intimidating presence and a loud voice. Paul
• Bishop Sfinger
A Scandinavian clergyman whose accent makes it difficult to understand him some of the time – or is that just the slurring?
• Joan of Carp
Responsible for the upkeep of the castle Comealot's moat, and keeper of goldfish - a bit of a coy one this.
• Mystic Margarita
Since being thrown out of Camelot as a fraud, Mystic Margarita is making some headway in Comealot as a Sand witch (vendor that is!).
• Sir Prancealot
One of the more camp knights of the realm. He loves riding, using his lance, has his own stable boy and would rank highly in the king’s cavalry – if he had a horse that is.
• William Shake-n-vac
A thwarted writer, his tragedies are tragic, his comedies laughable.
• Pussy- In-boots
One of the red torch district’s more refined ladies. Pussy has many feminine wiles but also claws and has been known to deal with unpayers extremely savagely.
• Pi-eyed Piper
Unfortunately this Scotsman has been stopped playing since his last ditty brought on the black plague.
• Maid Intaiwan
One of the serving wenches at the kings table, batteries not included.
• Lady MacIntosh
The Queen’s bodyguard and confidante. Behold is that an umbrella I see before me?
• Lord Slackbladder
The most up and cunning Lord at Castle Comealot. More cunning perhaps than a fox that has graduated from a school of cunning?