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Thread: Jezza Clarkson quotes

  1. #1
    Regular Member JCB's Avatar
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    Default Jezza Clarkson quotes

    I know some people on here don't like the guy cos he doesn't like the vectra, but big deal - in my eye's the guy is a God! Here are some classics -


    "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
    Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got
    syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

    "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
    like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've
    got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

    "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird
    Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish
    really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where
    you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like
    kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet
    fighter. And lots of jelly."

    About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing
    than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a
    sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

    ..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
    stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

    "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
    w****r"

    On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with
    tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

    Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
    greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

    "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
    Ethiopian transvestite"

    'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
    dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

    "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
    comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

    "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible
    was Adolf Hitler"

    (Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a
    party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

    (Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
    painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

    "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
    quicker than I do?"

    Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
    domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
    obstruction.
    Run them down to prove them wrong'

    "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
    reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari
    pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced,
    leaf-eating ****."

    "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
    they don't have wheel-chair access"

    "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
    affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
    cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

    On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air
    Force crashing into a firework factory."

    "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
    because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
    and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

    In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put
    it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
    customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

    "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was
    on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

    Assessing Hammond's crash:
    Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come
    apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
    Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
    Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on
    the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a
    lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

    "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for
    a murderer."

    "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty
    to be on my plate at supper time"

    "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
    stitching... on their face"

    "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
    It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can
    be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour
    close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

    "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if
    you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it
    helps."

    "you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to
    stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
    woman!"

    Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
    car...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
    President.


    Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more
    attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel
    with gingivitis."

  2. #2
    Regular Member glenboy's Avatar
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    Default

    "you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to
    stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
    woman!"


  3. #3
    Regular Member SignumPhil's Avatar
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    Default


    Do you think he lies awake at night working out new one liners, or just makes them up on the spot?

    Phil

  4. #4
    On a Sabbatical VauxVeteran's Avatar
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    Default

    It's what makes him, him, route one alpha male, probably why he got on so well with Gordon Ramsey tbh, I always find him refreshing in this day and age of you mustn't do you mustn't say.

    A world without JC would be like having a male only nudist camp.

  5. #5
    Regular Member lofty's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Vectra C Estate

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 1.9 CDTi


    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SignumPhil View Post

    Do you think he lies awake at night working out new one liners, or just makes them up on the spot?

    Phil
    Probably writes them down and practices in front of a mirror.. to make sure he gets his poses and facial expressions right..

  6. #6
    Regular Member R-man's Avatar
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    Default

    Must admit when I went to see Top Gear being filmed I didn't see one script flying about, but I may have missed it. It was interesting when they re-take scenes though, when they say something funny or act surprised, it showed me these presenter guys do have a certain amount of acting to do.

    But still, Jeremy Clarkson for Prime Minister

  7. #7
    Regular Member silverhairedracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VauxVeteran View Post

    A world without JC would be like having a male only nudist camp.
    Suits you sir !

  8. #8
    On a Sabbatical VauxVeteran's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by silverhairedracer View Post
    Suits you sir !
    I'm not sure what you mean by that

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