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Thread: FAO Vaux Veteran

  1. #1
    Regular Member Brocks's Avatar
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    Default FAO Vaux Veteran

    Trawling old disks, I found this:

    You've heard the song 'Sunscreen' now here's 'Alcohol'.......

    Drink Alcohol.

    If I could offer you only one tip for the future, alcohol would be
    it. The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently
    misunderstood by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no
    basis more reliable than my own drunken experience. I will dispense
    this advice now.

    Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance.
    Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of
    your alcohol tolerance until it's faded. But trust me, in 20 years,
    you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in a gutter and recall
    in a way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you drank and how
    fabulous it really was.

    You are not as sick as you imagine.

    Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from.
    Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to
    pull a page three model after 15 pints of Stella.
    The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never
    crossed your drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in
    the fridge on some idle Tuesday.

    Drink one thing every day that scares you.

    Sing badly.
    Be reckless when buying other people drinks.
    Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.

    Gargle.
    Don't waste your time on shandy.
    Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
    The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.

    Make up compliments you received. Return the insults.
    If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now.
    Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.

    Wretch.

    Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in your
    life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they
    would sober up. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know
    still haven't. Get plenty of kebabs. Don't be too kind to your liver.
    You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.

    Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't.
    Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't.
    Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude
    conga at your 75th University Reunion.
    Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate
    others. Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody
    else's.

    Enjoy someone else's body. Use it every way you can. Don't be
    afraid of it or of what the lads might think of it. It's
    probably the only time you'll ever pull.

    Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can
    of Special Brew. Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them. Do
    not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on
    your wall.

    Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them
    for some cash. Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the
    bar and the person most likely to stop you getting your head kicked
    by a bouncer when paralytic in the future. Understand that favourite
    drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable few you should hold
    on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because
    the older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you
    were young.

    Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce.
    Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets
    stolen.

    Dribble.

    Accept certain inalienable truths:
    Beer prices will rise.
    Bouncers will throw you out.
    You, too, will get a hangover.

    And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, prices
    were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were
    NEVER as bad as this.

    Respect alcoholics.

    Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
    Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird.
    But you never know when either one might stop getting you ****ed.

    Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will
    look like a faggot.

    Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who
    supply it. Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way
    of fishing old stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over
    the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.

    But trust me on the alcohol.

  2. #2
    On a Sabbatical VauxVeteran's Avatar
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    Default

    Bl00dy hell, you must have plenty of time going spare right now Steve

  3. #3
    Regular Member Brocks's Avatar
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    Default

    Nah found it on an old disk...from my old MOD days.

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