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Thread: Inexperienced Chili Taster

  1. #1
    Regular Member Tim2100's Avatar
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    Default Inexperienced Chili Taster

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
    from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
    chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
    beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
    (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
    told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
    from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
    the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
    been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
    before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
    front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
    __________________________________________________ ______

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
    mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
    it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
    behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT,
    just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    __________________________________________________ _____

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
    cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
    longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
    The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
    brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
    on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ****ed
    me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming; Screw those
    rednecks!
    __________________________________________________ ______

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
    peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
    flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
    chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my
    lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
    __________________________________________________ _

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
    Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
    is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
    oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
    in my stomach.

  2. #2
    Regular Member bruceybonus's Avatar
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    Default

    hehe nice one. I saw this a couple of years ago and was rolling as i read it!

  3. #3
    Regular Member Girl Racer's Avatar
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    Default

    hahahahahahaha rotfpmslmfao!

  4. #4
    Regular Member beat275's Avatar
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    Default

    old thread but this is hilarious

  5. #5
    Regular Member Derek Mc's Avatar
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    Love it

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