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Thread: Things that make blokes proud of themselves

  1. #1
    Regular Member Meriva OPC's Avatar
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    Default Things that make blokes proud of themselves

    This brought a smile to my face....does the descriptions fit anyone here?


    1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from
    her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
    didn't. Jars are men's work.

    2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially police men but
    even saying it to kids makes you the man.

    3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks -
    camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously
    winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

    4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt,
    is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife
    thanks!

    5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines
    driving, lifting and, as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge
    pile of other rubbish, noisy destruction.

    6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table,
    slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid
    movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
    everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

    7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to
    stir paint with.

    8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife
    wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
    have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical
    evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr,
    what does it look like.

    10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is
    all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye
    in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
    line".

    11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than
    you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag?
    Superb.

    12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
    Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
    It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******.
    However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist
    issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or
    breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women.
    Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have
    little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look
    with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its
    for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a
    mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike
    birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George,
    it is then. Seven. See ya."

    20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time.
    Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
    technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time,
    men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we
    can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on
    the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

    22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
    Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
    haemorrhage".

    23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?
    For that? Are you mad bint?"

    24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code
    that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo!

  2. #2
    Ex-Staff Full Member Ian T's Avatar
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    very good

  3. #3
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    25. Fixing things when other people cant, anything technical or that requires carpentry / engineering skills.

  4. #4
    Regular Member Merick's Avatar
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    24.b - Leaving one hell of a smell and not using the spray the missus buys so that the entire household can smell your manlyness.

  5. #5
    Regular Member Ste's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Jaguar XF 3.0D V6

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    Damn Straight. And if the bird don't like it, she knows where the door is.

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    20. Not a hope, Mark can not parallel park to save his live but he does know his screwdrivers (and no rude comments please)

  7. #7
    Regular Member Merick's Avatar
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    I can't park my veccy in reverse.. i always think i don't have enough room, 5 minutes later, having just thrown it in at a weird angle and got out rather frustrated, i notice i've got about 6 foot to go at the back! lol

  8. #8
    Regular Member Neil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merick View Post
    I can't park my veccy in reverse.. i always think i don't have enough room, 5 minutes later, having just thrown it in at a weird angle and got out rather frustrated, i notice i've got about 6 foot to go at the back! lol
    You should install a rear camera to work with your display screen!!

  9. #9
    Regular Member Gsi3.2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs GSi View Post
    20. Not a hope, Mark can not parallel park to save his live but he does know his screwdrivers (and no rude comments please)
    Oi..... i read that.....

  10. #10
    Regular Member Ste's Avatar
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    Year : 0000

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs GSi View Post
    20. Not a hope, Mark can not parallel park to save his live but he does know his screwdrivers (and no rude comments please)
    Mark, for Gods sake man, get some control in your house. Your missus appears to be attacking your driving abilities - this will never do, make it stop.


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