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  1. #1
    Regular Member howey's Avatar
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    Default jokes

    A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
    >She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told
    >her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of
    >the fire.
    >
    > "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,"
    >she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
    >
    >After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
    >filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised
    >to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when
    >he came home.
    >
    >He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
    >curtains so that you can see for yourself."
    >
    >The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
    >asked: "Do you shave?"
    >
    > "No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
    > Do you have hairs?"
    >
    > "Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
    >
    > When the husband got back in she asked:
    >
    > "Did you see ?"
    >
    > "Yes," he said. "But why the f**k did you have to show her yours?"
    >
    > "Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
    >
    > "I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"





    A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
    Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

    "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at
    A difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.



    We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
    one of the cows had something white at its rear end."


    "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
    ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
    cow's ****.



    Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey,
    This looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that."




    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
    Older Woman: Oh, I see.
    Officer: Can I see your license please?
    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
    Officer: Don't have one?
    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
    Older Woman: I can't do that.
    Officer: Why not?
    Older Woman: I stole this car.
    Officer: Stole it?
    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Officer: You what?
    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
    A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.
    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

  2. #2
    On a Sabbatical VauxVeteran's Avatar
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    Default

    1 - Superb
    2 - Good
    3 - Predictable

    Got any more, I need a few for darts tonight, and the bath one is deffo coming for an airing.

  3. #3
    Regular Member howey's Avatar
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