PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your **** by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
LADY DRIVERS. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed response to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.
T Thorn, Hexham
BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.
EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.
M Jordan, Wales
SKATEBOARDERS When buying trousers, choose a pair which stop around about your ankles as opposed to some point about 10 inches further on.
Ben Keen, Whitley Bay
CONVINCE neighbours that you own an old fashioned typewriter by wearing metal thimbles and drumming your fingers on a plastic tray. Every ten seconds ting a wine glass with a pencil and run a butter knife along the teeth of a comb before continuing drumming your fingers.
E Tring, Luton
TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting '****', '******' and '******' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.
HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.
GENTLEMEN. Avoid any unnecessary scrotal surgery by removing any genital piercings before using the 'Black Hole' water flume at Butlins, Bognor Regis.
ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives' tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.
US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like ****. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
A Corten, Caerleon
SINGLE MEN Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
ROYAL PRINCES. Develop a 'knee problem' before entering military service, then you can quit a few weeks later 'devastated' by the crushing blow life has dealt you.
ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.
OBESE Radio 1 breakfast DJs. Why not discuss with your colleagues on air how you intend to spend your £600k salary? Your listener demographic of 16-25 year-old van drivers, warehouse workers and sixth-formers will really appreciate the insight..
BMW drivers. When approaching a traffic jam on a motorway, feel free to do a last minute swerve into the lane I'm in, halving the braking distance I was allowing myself and putting the horses I was transporting on their ****ing knees.