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Thread: funnies from the telegraph

  1. #1
    Regular Member howey's Avatar
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    Default funnies from the telegraph

    Funny things from the letters pages of the Telegraph newspaper.


    The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
    heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
    too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
    they'd make their minds up. John

    'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
    says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

    I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
    mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
    around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
    would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
    extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

    The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
    pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
    from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
    stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

    Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
    like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
    min.ge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

    On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to
    reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to
    be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
    Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c * nt'. Not
    only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the
    holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else
    experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's
    family? Noel, Leeds

    My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing
    board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless
    remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

    I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
    wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
    parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or
    both. Alan Thakray

    Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
    Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

    On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
    Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
    obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
    Alan J., London

    Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
    Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
    climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
    get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

    Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
    patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
    Abu Hamza. Les Barnsley

    How come rap artist Dr. Dred can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
    selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
    football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
    for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

    The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
    Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
    me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
    poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

    Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
    about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
    galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
    Woods, e-mail

    With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
    soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
    couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw.at quickly
    enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

    Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
    the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
    hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
    sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond


    I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
    Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
    isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

    I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
    But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
    Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
    final breaths. Tripod

    I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
    is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
    Stan

    What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
    the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

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