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Thread: A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank

  1. #1
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    Default A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank

    A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times:


    Dear Sir,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
    Endeavoured to pay my plumber last month By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds'
    must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
    My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at
    your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
    Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
    Your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
    In order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    1-- To make an appointment to see me.
    2-- To query a missing payment.
    3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
    8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
    9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.


    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
    will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client


    I want to know what the bank said in reply!!!


  2. #2
    Regular Member ditchp's Avatar
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    that is total quality on her behalf, hope the bank manager felt guilty as sin as he read this......
    bank would probably not reply as it would have cost them due to her new implimented charges for receiving mail
    Midlands Mod Shop - NFFC.

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    Regular Member aos's Avatar
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    superb
    probably charged her another 30 quid for the reply!

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    Regular Member m8internet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tonyt View Post
    My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at
    your bank whom you must nominate
    I would very much doubt a bank would have a mortgage or loan, never mind BOTH, with a pensioner!

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    Regular Member howey's Avatar
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    on the news last week a man of 102 got a intrest only mortgage of "i think" £250000...anyhow he wanted to get onto the buy to let ladder!!!! and his repayments were £900 per month...thats true aswell

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    Regular Member Merick's Avatar
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    PMSL.. Excellent!

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