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Thread: A cat's diary

  1. #1
    Regular Member Spikeyİ's Avatar
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    Default A cat's diary

    I know there are a few cat lovers on the forum, had this sent to me the other day and thought it quite amusing:

    Here are a few days from a Cat's diary:

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed while the captors are intertwining their bodies.

    DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
    Funny, when they intertwine their bodies, they do not seem to scream at me, they actually ignore me.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What twisted demented sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

  2. #2
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    How did you manage to get this out of my cats, they don't tell me anything?

  3. #3
    Regular Member Beavis's Avatar
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    nice one I can see our cats thinking this way!!

  4. #4
    Regular Member Harry's Avatar
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    lol!! brilliant.

  5. #5
    Regular Member Spikeyİ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs GSi View Post


    How did you manage to get this out of my cats, they don't tell me anything?
    I learned to speak Cat via an email correspondent course:

    How to speak cat:

    Miaow
    Feed me.


    Meeow
    Pet me.


    Mrooww
    I love you.


    Miioo-oo-oo
    I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.


    Mrow
    I feel like making noise.


    Rrrow-mawww
    Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box


    Rrrow-miawww
    I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.


    Miaowmiaow
    Play with me


    Miaowmioaw
    Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?


    Mioawmioaw
    Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture


    Raowwwww
    I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.


    Mrowwwww
    I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.


    Roww-maww-roww
    I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.


    Gakk-ak-ak
    My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.


    Mow
    Snuggling is a good idea.


    Moww
    Shedding is pretty good too


    Mowww!
    I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.


    Miaow! Miaow!
    I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.


    Mraakk!
    Oh, small bird! Please come over here.


    SsssRoww!
    I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.


    Mmmrowmmm
    It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.


    Mmmmmmm
    If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.


    Mreoaw
    Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.


    Mreeeow
    Do you serve catnip with that?


    Mroow
    I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?


    Miaooww! Mriaow!
    Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.

  6. #6
    Regular Member Harry's Avatar
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  7. #7
    Regular Member Ste's Avatar
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    Default

    I don't get the point of cats. What is their role in life?

  8. #8
    Regular Member Spikeyİ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ste View Post
    I don't get the point of cats. What is their role in life?
    To make people ask this question.

  9. #9
    Regular Member Harry's Avatar
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    and to make you laugh out loud!!

    more entertaining than tv watching a cat do nothing.

  10. #10
    Regular Member addyboy1982's Avatar
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    LOL that made me chuckle - nice one!

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