The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as I like to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Sod it, I'll soldier on!"


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoon's serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
I took her to the fairground last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags and told me to go.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.