A bloke is stopped by the police one night. Plod comes round to the drivers window an says,
"Excuse me sir, but your nearside tail light isn't working"
Bloke gives an exasparated sigh, "Oh for heavens sake, haven't you lot got anything better to do!"
He jumps out of the car and goes to the back where he gives the tail light a hard kick. It comes on.
"There, now are you satisfied," he says sarcastically.
"Very good," says plod. "Now go round and kick the front and see if a tax disc comes up."
================================================== =====
Bloke gets a job as a chauffeur, and after a few months, works his way up to a senior driver's position.
One day he is told to go and pick up a VIP at the airport - but it's a "bit of a hush-hush visit" so exercise discretion.
Lo and behold, there at the airport is the Pope!
His Holiness gets into the back of the Rolls, and admires the leatherwork, and interior, then says to Bloke "What's this thing like to drive? I used to enjoy driving a little car when I was a priest back in Poland, but since then, I've been driven everywhere, and really miss being behind the wheel."
Bloke says "no problem" and stops. Pope jumps into front seat, and bloke gets into back, and heads off down the motorway, at 100 mph!
Next thing, he is pulled over by a motorbike cop, who walks up to the car.
The Pope winds down the window, and plod walks back to his car, to radio for advice.
"I have caught a VIP speeding, what do I do?" he asks senior officer.
"What kind of VIP?"
"A VERY IMPORTANT VIP!"
"How important? A cabinet minister? A member of the Royal family? One of the Spice Girls?"
"Errrrr - I think it must be GOD! He's got the Pope driving him around!"
================================================== =======
> > Please note that the XYZ Bank is installing new drive-thru
> > cash point machines so that customers will be able to
> > withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users
> > to use this new facility, the following instructions have been
> > drawn up.
> >
> > Please read the procedure that applies to your own
> > circumstances
> >
> > MALE PROCEDURE
> >
> > 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> >
> > 2. Wind down car window.
> >
> > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> >
> > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> >
> > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> >
> > 6. Wind up window.
> >
> > 7. Drive off.
> >
> >
> > FEMALE PROCEDURE
> >
> > 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> >
> > 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window
> > to machine.
> >
> > 3. Re-start stalled engine.
> >
> > 4. Wind down car window.
> >
> > 5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger
> > seat to locate card.
> >
> > 6. Turn radio down.
> >
> > 7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> >
> > 8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due
> > to its excessive distance from car.
> >
> > 9. Insert card.
> >
> > 10. Re-insert card the right way up.
> >
> > 11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN
> > written on the inside back page.
> >
> > 12. Enter PIN.
> >
> > 13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> >
> > 14. Enter amount of cash required.
> >
> > 15. Check make up in rear view mirror.
> >
> > 16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> >
> > 17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
> > inside.
> >
> > 18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
> >
> > 19. Re-check make-up again.
> >
> > 20. Drive forwards 2 meters.
> >
> > 21. Reverse back to cash machine.
> >
> > 22. Retrieve card.
> >
> > 23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place
> > card into the slot provided.
> >
> > 24. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
> > male drivers queuing behind.
> >
> > 25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> >
> > 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> >
> > 26. Release handbrake.
> >
> >
================================================== ===
Did you hear about Prince Charles today?
He was driving out of Balmoral in the Aston-Martin Vantage, when he felt a bump under one of the wheels.
He got out and saw one of the Corgis squashed flat.
He decided to hide the dead Corgi in the bushes and not to tell ‘mummy’.
As he reached the bushes with the flattened dog he saw a lamp, he gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
The genie was so chuffed to be free that he said to Charlie that he would grant him any wish.
“Please bring the Corgi back to life, so that mummy will not find out what one has done” said Charlie.
“Oh I am so sorry” said the genie, “bringing animals back to life is very very difficult, could you not ask for something else instead, anything else at all?”
“OK, ”, says Charlie, “can you make Camilla good looking?”
“Let’s have another look at that Corgi,” said the genie.
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