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Thread: Nelson at trafalger in 2012

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    Full Member bobssignum's Avatar
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    Default Nelson at trafalger in 2012

    The sad thing is it would ,nt be funny if it wasnt so true! anyway enjoy


    Nelson at Trafalgar in 2012


    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy:
    "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson:
    "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

    Hardy:
    "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud):
    “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

    Hardy:
    "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson:
    "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy:
    "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson:
    "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy:
    "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson:
    "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

    Hardy:
    "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson:
    "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

    Hardy:
    "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson:
    "What?"

    Hardy:
    "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson:
    "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy:
    "He's busy knocking up a access to the foredeck Admiral."

    Nelson:
    "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy:
    "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson:
    "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy:
    "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson:
    "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy:
    "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson:
    "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy:
    "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson:
    "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy:
    "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson:
    "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy:
    "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson:
    "We're not?"

    Hardy:
    "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson:
    "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy:
    "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson:
    "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy:
    "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson:
    "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy:
    As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson:
    "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy:
    "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson:
    "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."















    Driving vauxhall,s for 30 + years
    and still loving it

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