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Thread: 50 Shades ............ Of Chav

  1. #1
    Full Member spennny's Avatar
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    Default 50 Shades ............ Of Chav

    Chapter 1 Not sure about this, but I found it funny.

    50 shades of Chav. "As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight."

    Another extract from my 2nd book 13 flavours of WKD. "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time."

    More from raunchy Chav fest 13 flavours of WKD. "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he


    lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of am orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you"

    Last extracts from the final book of the trilogy, My Tan was 11 Shades of Orange. "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same."

    Final extract from the book 12 Shades of my Fake Tan. "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections."

    More from 12 Shades of my Fake Tan. "I had a week to myself, bliss. The kids were all at their respective dads apart from Shakira whose dad was on remand. Luckily her Grandma was home as this time last year she was in Malia on an 18-30. Dwayne wanted me to be a Dominatrix but I couldn't get the gear as the new security guard at Ann Summers was a right git. I had to improvise. I put on my fave black sl*g wellies and wrapped bin bags around my muffin tops. For the mask I pulled my old black period pants over my head. I looked like gothic Vanessa Feltz attempting a bank job. Dwayne looked well chuffed as he had scored some Viagra off his dealer. I climbed on top but the idiot was asleep. He had bought diazepam my mistake. I tried to get him inside me but it was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube. Finishing myself on the kids buzz light-year wasn't my finest hour

    Chapter 2

    Later that week the telly had arrived, I was well chuffed! That TV is well sick, and with just a couple of scratches where it had been unscrewed from the pub wall, I tell you that TV is BLINGIN'!

    The kids were at my mother's, so that night was a frenzy of lovemaking, with me hanging out of the bedroom window holding the aerial in the best position while he watched Big Brother, all the time boning me frantically so we could finish before the late night Adult channel free previews started.

    "That's a fookin great picture, it's buzzin...hold it there. Sorted!" he slurred in his sexy urban drawl, absently wiping his magnificent manhood on my favourite Hello Kitty curtains.

    Glancing downward, I noticed the next door neighbour peeing against the wheelie bin, he tilted his tattooed head and stared up at my bare hooters pressed agains the window pane. I made a mental note to pop round for a quickie the next time Dwayne was out scoring.

    "Oi, we got any Stella left? I need to settle my guts...I'm so mashed, man"

    I could tell by the sound of his voice that the cap had fallen off his front tooth again.

    Slowly, I managed to get my head and shoulders, along with the aerial safely back inside the window, pulled on my JLS onesie and tripped lightly down the stairs, skillfully avoiding the dog turds.

    When I got back with his Stella, Dwayne was in the barfroom, throwing up after the dodgy kebab he'd had earlier to celebrate his brother getting his first ASBO - Lucky for me we only had enough dosh for one so I had a pot noodle. In between retches he suggested we have a threesome later with a girl he had met in Cash Converter's when he was selling the kids' Nintendo. He had chinned her boyfriend for being a goth and told me she was proper mingin'
    but up for it, so all in all I anticipate a romantic time - especially if my new tattoo stops weeping and Dwayne's puking and trots clear up a bit!

    Chapter 3

    More extracts<p>I got a letter today, my JSA had been stopped because "I didn't actively seek work". I told the people at the Job Centre I wasn't able to work because I twisted an ankle a few months back, but they've no sympathy.

    I'm not sure where Dwayne's gone. Last night, he told me he fancied a Fray Bentos pie, so maybe he's gone for that. I just hope he's nicked it and not paid for it otherwise I'm not gonna be able to afford to get Shakira and Akon their daily Big bag of Haribo from Poundland. S*it, Poundland! I need to go... Shakira want's a Monster Munch sandwich for her tea, and Akon ate the last of them for his breakfast this morning.... If Dwayne's paid for that Fray Bentos, I'm gonna go kill him!

    Dwayne's back! He did well! He came back with 4 Fray Bentos, Kids' Monster Munch and a Microwave...
    Dwayne handed me his chosen pie and told me "to bang it in the microwave". The way he said it, I just knew he was gonna bang me after he'd eaten it. I couldn't wait... It was 11pm now, and kids were due to go to bed in about and hour or so.

    I think Dwane's nicked a dodgy microwave, or maybe it's just one of these new Microwaves? Watching it cook in the microwave was like lightening strikes hitting the pie tin, it was quite entertaining! These new microwaves though... they're a bit too much! Back when I was a kid, microwaves just did like 'ping' sound... This one though, it was a loud bang, and a bit of smoke came outa the back, I think it's just so you know when you're food's done if you're upstairs or something... Only took about 10 seconds though! Dwayne will be well impressed!

    It was now midnight, Akon was playing something on the XBOX and Shakira was talking to a few men on the internet, she says she gets along better with older men... 9 year olds today! Pffttt...

    Dwayne keeps giving me a look, it's kinda like a nervous twitch, but a long stare - I'm not sure if he's hinting to go upstairs, or it's just that marker pen he's been sniffing... We made our way upstairs, hoping that he'd take advantage of me... he didn't. I knew I still had mother responsibilities, so I quickly rushed back down stairs and told them both to both be in bed by 2am, as they had school in the morning.

    I lay in bed, eyes wide open watching Dwayne twitch in his sleep - just hoping he'd wake up and take me, it never happened. My mind wondered... I started thinking about really naughty stuff, I needed to satisfy myself, but Dwayne's Staffy, 'klitschko' had chewed my toys.

    Sent from my iPhone 4s using Forum Runner

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    Ha Ha wicked mate

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    Regular Member simon1's Avatar
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    Fantastic was reading it out to the wife she was wetting her self
    says better than the proper books she reading

  4. #4
    Full Member spennny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simon1
    Fantastic was reading it out to the wife she was wetting her self
    says better than the proper books she reading
    Ha Ha

    Sent from my iPhone 4s using Forum Runner

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    Lmao

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    I see some guy emptied his load of sauce over his partners face cos she was reading the book

    click here

  7. #7
    Regular Member ScotsDragon's Avatar
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    Thats brilliant, Unleash the Dogs of War.

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    Quote Originally Posted by fingers66
    I see some guy emptied his load of sauce over his partners face cos she was reading the book

    click here
    Haha that was hear where I live lol

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