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Thread: Nursing Homes.....Advice please..Serious help req'd

  1. #1
    Regular Member Brocks's Avatar
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    Exclamation Nursing Homes.....Advice please..Serious help req'd

    My terminally ill dad is living with us at the moment. He's very ill and on Oxygen almost 24hrs a day. The other day he got depressed and took an overdose. Thankfully(?) it didn't work although he is in hospital.

    My family don't get on to put it mildly......Two of my brothers want dad in a home, Me and my other brother don't mind but think it's what dad wants that matters. Dad doesn't want to go into a home but the only place for him is with us and he aint too happy living with us.

    I'm not sure if we can cope with dad comming home as we now feel we need to lock up all the drugs etc......what if he tries this again do we lock away the knives and so on. Can we trust him?

    So....Not kowing a lot about care/nursing homes etc what experiences are out here? Please tell what homes are REALLY like!

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    a friend of mine had his mum in a home near £700 a week for her home

    me i did not like the place a bit like a prison

    but at the end of the day have a chat with your dad see what he wants to do ?
    he might like the home at the end of the day

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    Regular Member steveked's Avatar
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    my wifes grandad was in a state run home and he was happy there, he had a nice boozer and a bookies round the corner and could come and go as he pleased with the added bonus of a warden downstairs if he had an emergency. i dont think they are anywhere near as bad as they are made out to be . Hope all goes well whatever you decide mate

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    Regular Member Gazza90000's Avatar
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    Sorry too here this m8. Its a difficult time.

    A bit clinical I know but you really need to understand the finanacial postion of you fathers funds.

    I am sure that the standards of Nursing home differ from home to home. However you only ever hear of the bad ones unfortunatley. I have had experience of past family members in Nursing homes.

    Its difficult to tell from just one visit to a home , only when your father is there will you understand the care he is recieving.

    A good place is too start is to meet as many of the staff as you can. Often Nursin Home attracted low paid carers which can sometimes attract the wrong sort.

    Be careful.. Sorry if this is not supportive but it is reality....

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    Ex Vec-C Admin Stevel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brocks View Post

    So....Not kowing a lot about care/nursing homes etc what experiences are out here? Please tell what homes are REALLY like!
    My Nan was in a home which we chose having read reports from Here
    If you type in your postcode you can find the ones nearby and then download reports on them.

    As you live on the Wirral some will be same ones that we looked at.

    My Nan was well looked after but my missus is a Nurse and got stuck in at the outset in terms of setting the standard of care we expected if that makes any sense.

    When we visited she spent 50% of the time with the staff which just made us feel confident that my Nan was being looked after.

    It's not an easy decision.

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    never more has the phrase 'cruel to be kind' been more apt. dont feel that you have to do it all on your own. generally speaking if you can find a local authority run establishment or partly funded home these are better by far, because they are not run as abusiness and even the staff are paid a higher wage and tend to be better suited to the job of CARING! Also, whatever your fathers illness, there maybe a help group associated to his ailment that can put you in touch with the correct people for your needs. AND NOW THE CALLOUS PART. Tell the hospital to contact Social Services and say you cant have him home, explain your fears and concerns and make it their problem, not just yours. it wdoesnt make you feel better but trust me, it is your father who matters, not the narrow minded view of other members of your family. I hope this helps and mean it when i say anything else, you know where we all are.
    Thinking of you

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    If your dad has had any type of military service get in touch with the British Legion,we used one of their homes for the other halfs parents,we couldn't fault them,the staff were really caring and kept peoples dignity.Their homes aren't checked by the local authority, but self assessed within the Legion, don't let this put you off their standards are higher.

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    Regular Member Brocks's Avatar
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    Some interesting ideas there thanks.

    After a nights sleep We're still exhausted. With each minute I'm feeling less able to cope with him.....and with no support from my three brothers I think I'm ready to throw in the towel.

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    Keep your chin up Brocks mate I can imagine this is a very difficult time for you bud.

    Someone in my family is a big manager for a company that has care homes all over the UK, they have a very good reputation so I've heard. I'll have a chat with her and see if we can give you a bit of info so you can then weigh up your options mate.

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    I'm gonna be brutally honest here Brocks, and you shouldn't read it the wrong way, I'll try to build it as it goes so it can be understood properly.

    To start my nan spent the last 6 yrs of her life in one, it was a good one as well, but I saw her festering in a chair by the window, and in a room that had been devided so she had another client in with her and no privacy in her room.

    She also remarked about an old chap trying to be friendly, but i wasn't sure what she meant at the time, could have two meanings.

    In hindsight it all had bad timing, I got myself into big debt buying a place 12 mths before she had to go in the home, what would have been ideal was if I'd moved in with her and payed the bills and refurbished the house for us.

    I assume your mum has passed already? I'm not sure how long ago or if so or how close they were.

    Your dad has tried to end it all already, and you say he is term ill and not got any quality of life.

    If he goes into a home they will medicate him to the hilt and preserve him even longer, although his quality wont improve.

    If he stays home with you (and I hope that is the case) you face choices, do you accidently on purpose leave him the easy way out (unlocked drug cab) and let him slip off in his own time and hopefully painlessly, or do you as you say have to lock away anything he might use.

    The mind is a powerful thing, and once a mind is made up it's made up so he'll find a method whatever you do if he really has had enough.

    While it might sound harsh me advocating you to allow him every opportunity to end it, think of yourself in the same position, would you want to linger in a world that has changed so much from the one he'd understand and suffering at the same time.

    I can read how much you love him and care for him, so I'd advise against shipping him out to the farm and keep him home where he will be among ppl who really love him, if he should managed to get away you should let him and just cherish the remaining days he has with you.

    Hope you get it sorted mate, it's the question we all hope we dont have to answer in life.

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