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Thread: Just a few sillys

  1. #1
    Regular Member JCB's Avatar
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    Default Just a few sillys

    So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
    T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
    He said "No, I've got china in my hand."



    You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



    I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.



    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
    'Best Before End'



    So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
    I said "No, just a watch."



    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
    The bloke said "Kenwood"
    I said, "Where is he?"



    So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
    The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
    I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."



    I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
    Volkswagen with no driver.



    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.



    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
    He said, "You've got cholera."



    So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
    I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.



    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
    it down.



    I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
    on.



    My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
    I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



    So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
    said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
    He said, "No, this is for the custard."



    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
    paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."



    So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
    It was a turtle disaster.



    So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
    She said "Tenpin?"
    I said, "No, it's a permanent job."



    So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
    She said, "Are you having me on?"
    I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them
    "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
    He said, "I'm not stopping you!"



    So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"



    So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
    He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
    He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
    He said "You're closest"



    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
    on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.



    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
    been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
    say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
    managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and
    asked me what had happened.
    I said "I careered off the road"



    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a
    cat in there.



    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
    shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.



    I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
    I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
    splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
    I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



    So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
    Elephant Man?"
    He said, "He's not your type."
    I said "How about Batman Forever?"
    He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

  2. #2
    Ex Vec-C Admin ed taylor's Avatar
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    Default

    Very good.

  3. #3
    Regular Member SignumPhil's Avatar
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    Default

    Groan...............

  4. #4
    Regular Member Gsi3.2's Avatar
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    Default

    Nice one John..

  5. #5
    Regular Member redbullkid's Avatar
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    Default

    ...............................

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