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Thread: G.O’RIlla’s guide to maximising your investment in your new car.

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    Regular Member G.O'Rilla's Avatar
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    Default G.O’RIlla’s guide to maximising your investment in your new car.

    Next to buying a house, a car is the most expensive “investment” that we may make in our lives. Although there is a considerable amount of information I have not yet found a buyer’s guide, so I thought that I would write one in time for the beginning of April next year……

    Buying the car

    1) Always trust the dealer. That nice salesman has a family to feed and targets to meet, but you do not need to haggle over price. He will always act in your best interests and automatically give you the best/cheapest deal on the car without you asking.
    2) Even better, send your wife in to buy the car. It is well known that the best prices on cars are always offered to the fairer sex.
    3) Always choose a rare colour such as solid purple, bright yellow or lime green. These unusual cars are more desirable secondhand because there aren’t many around
    4) Always choose as many options as possible from the options list. Money spent on these for a new car will repay itself many times over when you come to sell the car in a couple of years.

    Running the car

    1) There is no point in keeping the chancellor happy – use chip fat if you have a diesel and home brew petrol from Fred round the corner if you have a petrol car. Modern engines are so well made that they don’t need these expensive branded fuels
    2) You can also use chip fat to top up the engine oil. No point in wasting money on the latest synthetic oils, the engine is only going to use it anyway
    3) Always wash the car in the car wash once a month, whether it needs it or not. Never hand wash the car – it’s a lot of effort and those nice car washes are much kinder to paintwork than mere humans can ever be…
    4) Don’t ever polish the car. What is the paint warranty for? You might read of people waxing lyrical about Eukanuba car polish, but anyone knows that it is really a brand of dog food and no good for paint at all. the inside is very hard wearing and never needs cleaning either.
    5) Why waste valuable garage space - always park outside and under a tree if possible. All that acid rain is bad for the paint, so the tree will help protect it. Don’t worry about the pigeon poo, the car wash will take most of it off next month.
    6) Don’t buy branded Irmscher accessories – you can get stuff just as good on the internet and car boot sales, leaving you much more money to spend on Max Power magazine
    7) Try a scrappie for that body kit you always wanted. Just bend it back into shape and hand paint it.
    8) That big rear roof spoiler you got from your mate’s old wrecked Corsa will look just fine and improve fuel economy. Just make sure that you bend it into shape to fit and pop rivet it into place. Don’t paint it – get some carbon effect fablon plastic and stick it on – coooool!
    9) Fit a DIY roll cage to look cool – don’t bother removing the trim before welding it into place. Future buyers will be impressed by your concern for safety.
    10) Servicing is for wimps – modern cars don’t need services, which are just designed to make dealers richer.

    Selling the car

    1) You should run the car as a pet ambulance for a month or two before selling. The mixture of pet hair and wet dog smell will show any prospective purchaser that you are a caring person.
    2) Or as a late night, unlicensed mini cab
    3) Remove the roof spoiler and body kit – they will simply pull off it you tug hard enough. Fill the holes with grey plastic padding, or be considerate and leave them for the new buyer to put on their own body kit/spoiler
    4) Your buyer can always be trusted – allow him to take the car for an unaccompanied test drive
    5) Always accept a cheque for the car from the buyer. Payment is guaranteed if he writes his cheque card number on the back.
    6) Go back to the dealer at the beginning of this post.

    There's probably more; I hope someone finds this enjoyable

    G.O'Rilla

  2. #2
    [Ex]Admin Duncan's Avatar
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    scarily, a number of people actually do a number of those things!!

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    Regular Member G.O'Rilla's Avatar
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    ....but it takes rare genius to do them all!!

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    Regular Member ukanalyst's Avatar
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    Fantastic!

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    Regular Member Ross DTi 2.2's Avatar
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    Quality, I had a chuckle at that.

  6. #6
    Regular Member payney's Avatar
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    very good and some of those are actually true people do those things!!

  7. #7
    Regular Member Gsi3.2's Avatar
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    you've just described my apprentice!!!


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