It still makes me really belly laugh
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual complaints/problems, generally known as Squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots’ squawks.
P = Problem logged by the pilot.
S = Solution and action taken by the engineer.
P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in the cockpit
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descend.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That’s what there are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you’re right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to “Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious.”
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
P - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S - Took hammer away from midget.
P - Clock unserviceable
S - Small knurled knob bottom right hand corner of clock turned clockwise 25 times – clock serviceable.
P - World distorted through windshield
S - Rotated world once
P - Fuel leak under right tank cell
S - Leak normal
P - (after next flight) no leak under left cell tank!
P - Spider web in windshield wiper motor
S - Spider web checked within limits.
This one really happened - the FE was suspended:
On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!