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Thread: The Haynes Manual explained

  1. #1
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    Trim : SXi

    Engine : 2.2


    Default The Haynes Manual explained

    If you have ever used one you'll know what the book says to what you actually need to do is never the same

    I found this and made me smile so........

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

  2. #2
    Full Member Big Sig's Avatar
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    Quality
    Now I need a turbo to keep up!

  3. #3
    Ex Vec-C Admin Ian-Highlander's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Insignia Tourer

    Trim : Elite

    Engine : 2.0 CDTI (160ps)

    Year : 2010

    Default

    Brilliant!! Havent laughed that hard in a while lol
    "Doing a good job here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit, you get a warm feeling but nobody else notices"
    Maptun Tuned 2.0T Estate - click HERE for mods list.
    Brentwood 2012: Winner, Saturday Show. Hull 2012: Winner, Best Estate. Hull 2013: Winner, Best Estate & Runner Up, Best I.C.E

    Now Gone, bring on the Insignia (now "Teapot" Tuned)...

  4. #4
    Regular Member Big Knox's Avatar
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    old but still funny

  5. #5
    Regular Member Ademusic's Avatar
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    lol, brilliant

  6. #6
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    fair play you are spot on.....well done!!

  7. #7
    Regular Member Grumpy1954's Avatar
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    Vehicle : Ford Kuga

    Trim : Titanium

    Engine : 2.0dtci

    Year : 2014

    Mileage : 1200

    Default

    Lol, sounds about right!

  8. #8
    Regular Member Penfold101's Avatar
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    Reminds me of this...

    Tools Explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****!'

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  9. #9
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    Vehicle : Vectra

    Trim : Design

    Engine : 1.9CDTi

    Year : 2005

    Mileage : Lots

    Default

    ^ That is brilliant. Seen the Haynes one but not that.

  10. #10
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    Trim : SXi

    Engine : 2.2


    Default

    Penfold....thats great! lol some good laugh out loud moments reading that to mates at work

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